Harry Burns (Character)  - Quotes
Harry Burns (Character)
Harry Burns :   Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
Sally Albright :   Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.
Harry Burns :   But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.
Harry Burns :   I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
Harry Burns :   I love you.
Sally Albright :   How do you expect me to respond to this?
Harry Burns :   How about, you love me too.
Sally Albright :   How about, I'm leaving.
Harry Burns :   I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Harry Burns :   You were going to be a gymnast.
Harry Burns :   Right, that's what I said.
Harry Burns :   Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.
Sally Albright :   I don't have to take this crap from you.
Harry Burns :   If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?
Sally Albright :   I see people.
Harry Burns :   See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?
Sally Albright :   What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I'm over Joe? Because I fuck somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something.
Harry Burns :   ...I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Harry Burns :   It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk.
Sally Albright :   The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.
Harry Burns :   You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?
Sally Albright :   How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?
Harry Burns :   We're talking dream date compared to my horror.
Jess :   Emily is terrific.
Harry Burns :   Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"
Jess :   No.
Sally Albright :   Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.
Harry Burns :   Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?
Sally Albright :   Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.
Sally Albright :   Because of God.
Harry Burns :   Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.
Sally :   Harry.
Harry Burns :   Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid wagon wheel ROY ROGERS GARAGE SALE COFFEE TABLE!
Jess :   I thought you liked it!
Harry Burns :   I WAS BEING NICE!
[he leaves]
Sally :   He just bumped into Helen.
[Playing "Pictionary."]
Jess : "Baby talk"? That's not a saying.
Harry Burns :   Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.
Harry Burns :   Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.
Harry Burns :   You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are just an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.
Harry Burns :   You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright :   Why not?
Harry Burns :   What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright :   That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Sally Albright :   How do you know?
Harry Burns :   Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright :   So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns :   No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright :   What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns :   Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright :   Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns :   I guess not.
Sally Albright :   That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
Harry Burns :   And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you don't even keep in touch with?
Sally Albright :   Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Harry Burns :   You take someone to the airport, it's clearly the beginning of the relationship. That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
Sally Albright :   Why?
Harry Burns :   Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you never take me to the airport anymore?
Sally Albright :   It's amazing. You look like a normal person, but actually you are the angel of death.
Harry Burns :   Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright :   I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns :   When did I say that?
Sally Albright :   On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns :   No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.
Harry Burns :   There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally Albright :   Which one am I?
Harry Burns :   You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sally Albright :   I don't see that.
Harry Burns :   You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. "On the side" is a very big thing for you.
Sally Albright :   Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry Burns :   Because I know.
Sally Albright :   Oh. Right. That's right. I forgot. You're a man.
Harry Burns :   What was that supposed to mean?
Sally Albright :   Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.
Harry Burns :   I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Harry Burns :   With whom did you have this great sex?
Sally Albright :   I'm not going to tell you that.
Sally Albright :   I did too.
Harry Burns :   No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man... but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.' Doesn't work.
Sally Albright :   Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.
Harry Burns :   That's what drew her to me.
Sally Albright :   Your dark side?
Harry Burns :   Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts.
Sally Albright :   I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.
Harry Burns :   Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
Jess :   Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.
Harry Burns :   Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.
Harry Burns :   You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
Sally Albright :   Is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?
Sally Albright :   I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?
Harry Burns :  [about Sally] I can say anything to her.
Jess :   Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?
Harry Burns :   No, it's just different. It's a whole different perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she desires and I can talk to her about the women that I see.
Jess :   You tell her about other women?
Harry Burns :   Yeah, like the other night, I made love to this woman. It was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed.
Jess :  [surprised] You made a woman meow?
Harry Burns :   Yeah, that's the point. I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie, because I am not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself.
Jess :   You made a woman meow?
Harry Burns :   The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe you're either (a) not at home, (b) home but don't want to talk to me, or (c) home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please call me back.
Harry Burns :   How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that's your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
Sally Albright :   I don't have a problem.
Harry Burns :   Yes, you do.
Sally Albright :   Well, basically it's the same dream I've been having since I was twelve.
Sally Albright :   Okay, there's this guy...
Harry Burns :   What does he look like?
Sally Albright :   I don't know, he's just sort of faceless.
Sally Albright :   That's it.
Harry Burns :   That's it? Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and THAT'S the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve?
Sally Albright :   Well sometimes I vary it a little.
Sally Albright :   What I'm wearing.
Marie :   Restaurants are to people in the 80's what theatres were to people in the 60's. I read that in a magazine.
Jess :   I wrote that.
Marie :   Get out of here.
Jess :   I did, I wrote that.
Marie :   Where did I read that?
Jess :   New York magazine
Harry :   Sally writes for New York magazine
Harry :  [after he has run into his ex-wife] She looked weird didn't she? She looked really weird.
Sally :   I don't know, I've never seen her before.
Harry :   Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy. Really, she must retaining water.
Sally :   Harry.
Harry :   Believe me, the woman saved everything.
Sally :   He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry :   If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally :   No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Sally :   I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.
Harry :   But in a good way.
Sally :   No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.
Sally :   Someday.
Harry :   In eight years.
Sally :   But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.
Harry :   Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.
Sally :   When Joe and I started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids - and, actually, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice - and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it, now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it, and we'd say we were so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in. We can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised to take her to the circus, and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" - I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamp-post - and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids. And the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders, and she said, "I spy a family." And I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home, and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moment's notice."
Harry :   And the kitchen floor?
Sally :  [sadly] Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile.
Sally Albright :   At least I got the apartment.
Harry Burns :   That's what everyone says. But, really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is look in the obituary section. You see who died, find out where they lived, and tip the doorman. What they could do to make it easier is combine the two. You know, Mr. Kline died yesterday, leaving behind a wife, two children, and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace.
Harry Burns :   We're talking dream date compared to my horror. It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave." Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile.
Harry Burns :   You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.
Sally Albright :   beautiful wedding.
Harry Burns :  [overlapping] It was great. We had this enormous coconut cake.
Sally Albright :   Huge coconut cake with a - with a - tiers and there was this very rich chocolate sauce on the side.
Harry Burns :   Right, cause not everybody likes it on the cake, cause it makes it very soggy.
Sally Albright :   Particularly the coconut soaks up a lot of excess and you really - it's important to keep it on the side.
Harry Burns :   I miss her.
Sally Albright :   I don't miss him. I really don't.
Harry Burns :   Not even a little?
Sally Albright : You know what I miss? I miss the *idea* of him.
Harry Burns :   Maybe I only miss the *idea* of Helen... No, I miss the whole Helen.
Jess :   So what is she?
Jess :   But not BEAUTIFUL, right?
Jess :   When did this happen?
Harry Burns :   Friday. Helen comes home from and she said, "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." Like it's the institution, you know, like it's nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about... in a casual way. I'm calm, I say, "Why don't we take some time to think about it, you know, don't rush into anything."
Jess :   Yeah, right.
Harry Burns :   Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you, which is what I'm saying to you, that's when it occurs to me that may be... she doesn't. So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" You know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you."
Jess :   Oooh, that's harsh!