Belgium | Uncyclopedia | Fandom powered by Wikia
edit Language
Belgium has four official languages: French in the southern part, Dutch in the northern part, German in the Nazi part, and Nothing throughout the whole country. Which they all scarily and absurdly master better than all other people speaking these languages, and certainly better than the Hollanders . Except for Herman Van Rompuy.
edit Dutch and the Move to Flemish Movement
A lot of Belgians speak Dutch. The reason for this is, as the Belgians claim, "because our mommies and daddies speak it". Further linguistic examination shows us that these mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies respond with the exact same answer. Nevertheless, even further examination remarkably shows that the mommies and daddies of the mommies and daddies' mommies and daddies do not speak Dutch at all - they are all, without exception, speakers of the language of Nothing. Some recent studies could establish a relationship between this fact on the one hand and on the other hand, the fact that they're all dead. Though some quite critical critics object this theory.
However, in the Late Middle Ages, some famous - though in reality, all Belgians are just equally unknown - and ingenious Belgians discovered that speaking Dutch causes some severe issues, some of which fatal. These issues had eventually moved the Belgians to make the Move to Flemish Movement.
Most importantly, the disgust that certain Dutch phonemes universally bring on - and in particular the extremely sickening and horridly repulsing rasping-and-retching sound which the Hollanders still think the CH should be pronounced as - used to be of great inconvenience: in those days it wasn't uncommon at all to see people around you vomit whenever you started speaking. People simply got overwhelmed by uncontrollable revulsion. Certainly in periods of famine, this was a huge problem. This is the main reason why the Dutch up to today, not having moved to Flemish, are still very tight with money: one has always to be prepared for a period of less resistance to Dutch speech disgust. In these times of famine, a very effective way of joking and bullying (and murdering) consisted of constantly saying goodday, good morning and good afternoon, which in Dutch is CHCHoeiedaCH, CHoeiemojCHCHe and CHCHoeiemiddaCHCH. If good evening didn't do the trick (CHoeie afent), you could still have some patience and remorselessly throw them the words CHCHCHoeienaCHCHt in the face (good night). And if even that was not enough, you could still give that old Dutch cradlesong a try that imitates the sea sound. Translated into Dutch, this gives the following lyrics: CHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCHCH. Dutch bedclothes were often dirty.
What is more, the Dutch language, internationally accepted as the Big Throat Disease, causes throat cancer. Therefore, Dutchmen very commonly die young, with their voice and power of speech deteriorating at the speed of voice-and-power-of-speech-deterioration. Already in an early stage, the only sound they can make is that of the old lullaby mentioned above. In the earliest stages of Belgianness, the Belgians desperately needed to reproduce (originally, in the Stone Age, the total number of Belgians was zero), so they couldn't afford anyone to die of linguistic causes. Belgian investigation again proves that "Even when the Dutch do not die of throat cancer, they always die", giving them an extra reason to move to Flemish.
On top of that, not suffering from the Dutchmen's minority complex, Belgians find it unnecessary to always be talking in a shouting and squealing way to get the public's attention. To the contrary, the Belgians, as already emerged in this article, prefer to mysteriously stay in the background to hide their world domination plans. Dutchmen were also frequently shot and killed by hunters, who reported that they sounded like crows, vultures, ostriches, baboons, hyenas, sharks, Dutchmen, geese, evil donkeys, and that "I am just necrophiliac".
Given all these reasons, it has been a wise decision of the Belgians to improve the Dutch language into a less annoying and mortal version, which they called Flemish. Unfortunately, it does force them to produce great masses of mucus, which is verry irritating when playing the saxophone. Out of the question, in Spanish, Flemish is called flamenco. To a higher level out of the question, according to Google Translate, "I like to beat my Flemish wife 'cause she's damn ugly" is to be translated to Spanish as "Me gusta golpear la causa de mi esposa flamenco 'ella es maldita fea".
edit The other tongues
As for the southern French-speaking part of the country, things are completely different: they're simply weak imitations of the French, though wannabe-French and un-French enough to bizarrely be pathetically yet insufficiently French. The generally neglected German-speaking part, which is surprisingly enough even far more uninteresting and unknown than Belgium itself, even in Belgium itself, is a remain of Nazi Germany, and so the inhabitants speak Nazi German. As for the Nothing-speaking part: nothing.
edit Belgian-Dutch (mis)communication
Communication is an important element in the average Belgian’s life. It is an attitude they share with their northern neighbors, the Dutch. Still, when put the two together, it can give some peculiar results.
Firstly, there is one general rule that is true for all Dutchman-to-Belgian conversations: they all end with a Dutchman unable to comprehend the Belgian and a Belgian giving up motivation to explain things to Dutchmen. Also, there is always one general, relatively uncomplicated yet very interesting conclusion that both parties make after these conversations. Which will be explained later on.
The second rule is that, in their free time, Belgians and Dutchmen use to hate each other. On the one hand, the Belgians have established the folkloristic habit of making jokes about the Dutchmen. Since 1890, Belgian government even has a law for it: thou shalt make fun of the Hollanders. Thou shalt focus on their silliness, dumbness, appearance, way of screeching (speaking) and their inferiority complex, but most of all, thou shalt laugh at them being inhumanly - as our Belgian scientists have already proven - stingy. Also, thou shalt use “thou shalt” in stead of “you must”. Ignoring the 4% minimum paedophilia law, this has been the most respected Belgian law since time immemorial.
For example:
“How do you catch a Dutchman? You slam the toilet seat down while he's drinking.”
~ A Belgian on Dutch people
On the other hand, Dutch people regard Belgians stupid, e.g. (to a Belgian):
“How cumfyoosh you a Belchan? Tsfentsee-Wan....”
~ A Dutch person, in an attempt to pronounce "How do you confuse a Belgian? 21..."
“Huh?”
~ The Belgian person on the previous quote, indicating not to be capable of decoding bad Dutch pronunciation
(In this mysterious and subtle way, the Belgian hopes to open the Dutchman's eyes to his feeble linguistic intelligence).
“Haha!”
~ The Dutch person, thinking he's confused the Belgian and so made a good joke"
“Sight...”
~ The Belgian person"
It may not surprise that the general both-party conclusion after these nice chats generally reads as follows:
Dumbass.
Note that the Belgians are the least confusable people in the world, since they are accustomed to the biologically and physically highest possible confusion ever.
edit Political Confusion and Complexity
Current president (right) and vice-president (left) of Belgium.
edit The basics
Belgians do not have a word for politics. They did, however, take the concept of it from their neighbouring countries, but they gave it a slight Belgian twist - which is, by the way, also a well-known dance in Belgium, commonly performed unclothed - and called it Political Confusion and Complexity. There are no Belgian politicians; there are only Belgian Political Confusers and Belgian Political Complexitificitiers. Political Confusion and Complexity is represented in the Ministry of Confusion and Complexity by the most complex and most confused Belgians.
Belgian politics is based on Belgian Logics, which can again be described as just logics, but put through a good old Belgian twist. One of the theoretical founders of Belgian Logics is Jean Kloot, a respectable Walloon professor who has gained a lot of respect in the Belgian academic world. He is considered one of the nation’s most important and influential intellectuals, went to the University of Brussels, Namur and Little Auschwitz, wrote several academic essays with (as the Belgians consider it) groundbreaking scientific insights, and was finally promptly put in Berlin’s Madhouse for the Extremely Cracked as soon as he crossed the border. He was also the inventor of the expression “world-famous in Belgium”.
In respect of Political Confusion and Complexity, the following golden rule, made up by Jean Kloot, is of great importance: ‘’In order to create the highest possible confusion and complexity, law should always conflict as much as possible with reality, morality and finally with the people’s wishes and nature’’.
edit Consequences of the golden rule
If two peoples have nothing in common with one another at all, cannot understand one another’s language, hate each and every aspect of one another, from the way they look to what they say and do, and finally are absolutely and undoubtedly impossibly unitable, and any union would never be of any advantage for either party at all, they are to be united. Because of this, the two peoples of Walloons and Flemings united and so created the very nation of Belgium. Up to today, many Belgians still respect this political-confusion-and-complexitificital decision, because if Belgium would seize to exist, all Belgians would suddenly vanish from Earth.
No-one likes education. Therefore, the nation must provide the world’s most advanced and complex educational system, and it must be obliged untill death - although Belgian Logics shows that education is most effective after death.
There has to be an absolute distinction between the Bible and the law: law should contain more internal contradictions than the Bible, and should be more open to several interpretations.
The only sense that having a royal family could ever have, would be that at least one of the members of it would have the power to rule; and if not, they must at least form a fascinating, interesting and intriguing group of people who are loved and praised by the people. Therefore, Belgium has the most boring royal family in the history of history, a king that does not have the power to rule and on top of all this, no-one knows them.
No citizen should know the national anthem.
If it is the king’s aim to unite both of the country’s peoples, it is advised that he insults one of them, for example in a 2012 Christmas speech.
The Ministry of Confusion and Complexity is currently discussing a law that would stimulate building residences nearby heavily used roads, in danger-of-flooding zones and industrial areas, and building industrial constructions in residential areas. The purpose would be to generate innumerable judicial complaints concerning noise nuisance etc., which would - as they aim - generally result in vast masses of paperwork for the court to treat that raise the judicial officers’ stress in such an extent that they either die of a heart attack or commit suicide, a consequence that would unfortunately result in even more paperwork, which would all eventually create an infinite chain of clerical and judicial horror. Chances are high that the Ministry would reject this proposal, because it vaguely seems to have a trifle of sense. In cases like these, a law is often considered “not Belgianly twisted enough”. Injecting some exhaustingly complex French-Dutch translating complications in order to raise the amount of needless paperwork could add some flavor to it.
When the people is in high need of governmental action, the government should take a break for a couple of hundreds of days. They should participate in extravagant European Union parties and discover that gayness, unlike Belgium, exists. In 2010 for example, the government collapsed because they couldn't agree about a final solution for the only question that matters to Belgians: what is the only real Belgian chocolate filling? Unfortunately, the ultra-heterosexual leader Elio Di Rupo - that kind of straight that he would prefer intercourse with a deceased, infected, very aged, ugly, atrocious-looking and simply utterly unattractive woman over literally sleeping once in the same bed with another man - did not find the answer to this problem. But, as he took part in more and more gay EU parties, he certainly did discover gayness - and embraced it passionately, having seen the light.
edit Flanders
For some unclear reason, The Dutch-speaking Belgians (Flemings) find that those whose surnames begin with the characters “De W”, such as Filip De Winter (Filip The Winter) and Bart De Wever (Bart The Weaver), should become political heroes who honor their Flemish heresy and praise and worship their supreme leader, Ned Flanders. Though there are rumors that Bart De Wever was actually officially called Wart De Bever (Wart The Beaver). Probably, in this way he has successfully escaped the miserable fate of every Belgian whose name begins with “De B” to work in Gargamel’s Resort Brussels, and perform as a Smurf.
edit Belgian road quality
Nope. Better then Dutch weed roads, 'cuz drugs are bad (and so are Belgian roads). Concrete is the norm! The Belgians themselves don't believe in roads, kind of like atheists. Where are those good old days when these "roads" were still dirt trails. Ironically, asphalt was invented in Belgium.