Only Fools and Horses - Wikiquote
Only Fools and Horses
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Only Fools and Horses was a British television sitcom which aired on BBC for seven seasons, nineteen Christmas specials, and six special editions, from 1981 to 2003. It also has a spin-off series called The Green Green Grass , and a prequel trilogy called Rock & Chips .
Contents
Stick a pony in me pocket
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van.
'Cos if you want the bestuns,
but you don't ask questions,
Then brother, I'm your man.
'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery,
It's like the changing of the seasons,
and the tides of the sea.
But here's the one that's driving me berserk,
Why do only fools and horses work?
La la la la, la la la la la, la la la la
We've got some half price cracked ice
and miles and miles of carpet tiles
TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs
Ball games, gold chains, whatsanames, and at a push
Some Trevor Francis track suits
From a mush in Shepherds Bush
Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush!
No income tax, no VAT
no money back, no guarantee
Black or white, rich or poor we'll cut prices at a stroke...
God bless Hooky Street.
Big Brother [1.1][ edit ]
[First lines of the series]
Grandad: (watching TV) That Sidney Potter 's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner .
Rodney: Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?
Grandad: Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.
Rodney: Sidney Poitier!
[They continue to argue until Del walks in.]
Del: Are you two at it again?
Rodney: Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?
Del: Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte , but you two please yourselves.
Del: (to Rodney) What are you doing?
Rodney: Our accounts.
Del: You keeping accounts now?! (to Grandad) Well, there you are Grandad. A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business. But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were!
Del: I grafted 19 or 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table, alright it wasn't always double legal but you ate the finest food that was going.
Rodney: All you use to give me was TV dinners or convienience food, if it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it. If you had been in charge of The last supper it would have been a take away.
Del: Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!
Del: (trying to explain to Rodney why Trotters Independent Traders never pays taxes) We don't pay V.A.T, we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit... The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.
Rodney: (when Rodney first meets Trigger) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?
Del: No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.
Del: You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed.
Grandad: (to Rodney) Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. There again, he always used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!
Rodney: I saw myself more in the capacity of a financial advisor.
Del: A financial advisor?! Bonjour Trieste! You are beautiful, you are, Rodney! Today, I almost clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175. When my "financial advisor" stuck his nose in, and advised me to pay £200. Right? And now, having paid the £200, my "financial advisor" now advises me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?
Del: Do you hear that?
Rodney: No, what is it?
Del: That's Mum turning in her grave.
Grandad: You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.
Del: (sarcastically) No.
Del: It's been so long that Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it.
Rodney: I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night!
Del: Going dancing with Mickey Pearce?
[Del wonders why Rodney took him to a peculiar club.]
Rodney: It looked all right from the outside.
Del: It looked all right from the outside? That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum !
Del: (hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving
Rodney: Why? Are they a couple of ravers?
Del: No, they're a couple of geezers!"
Michelle: (asking Rodney which tennis turf he likes playing on) What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?
Rodney: I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf!
Rodney: (telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home) Del,you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.
Del: You what? You pranny!!!!
[After Del brakes suddenly, another car a Cortina, smashes into the Jaguar he and Rodney are sitting in. The Cortina is driven by the Australian man.]
Del: God! I don't believe it. I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.
Rodney: Me? You were driving it.
Del: Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! (shouting at the car behind) What's your game pal. What is your game, are you blind or something?
Australian Man: I'm very sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky... You! I've been looking for you two flaming Gollahs all day long... Now come here!
Del: What do you mean "won't see us arrive" I want people to see me arrive
Rodney: In a three wheeled van? Still got no choice have we?
Del: Yes we have. We can take Boycie's E type Jaguar
Mr. Rahn: Kuvera is the Hindu God of Wealth.
Vimmal: Where's your watch Derek?
Del: It's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know volleyball.
Vimmal: I thought you were right-handed.
Del: No, I'm ambiguous.
Mr. Rahn: If I got into my car at 9:00 in the morning, it'd take me up to 2 in the afternoon to drive around my land.
Rodney: We had a car like that once.
[Del and Rodney reveal to the waiter in "Rahn's" restaurant that they paid £2000 for the statue]
Waiter: £2000? Why, you can get them for £17 in Portobello Road! It's amazing how much you can save if you shop around
[Del and Rodney have found out that Vimmal has left London with Mr. Rahn.]
Rodney: No sign of Vimmal?
Del: No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream : "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."
Rodney: Get us a packet of pork scratchings, will you?
Del: Pork scratchings! Sounds like a pig with fleas!
Pauline: You never married yourself, Del?
Del: No, no no, I never fancied myself!
[Rodney is not impressed by Pauline.]
Del: You don't have romantic feelings, you. You just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you've learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One.
Del: Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.
Rodney: Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?
Pauline: It used to be your mother's room, Rodney, but it's mine now and I don't want to see you in there. Is that understood?
The Russians Are Coming [1.6][ edit ]
Del: I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?
Rodney: Yeah, and who was it, during the Brixton riot , that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?
Del: Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy.
[Del and Rodney are in the flat, discussing the British response to a World War III .]
Rodney: And what have we got in this country to combat the might of the Soviet Union ? Three Jump Jets and a strongly worded letter to the Russian ambassador.
Rodney: I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
Del: What principle?
Rodney: Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
[Del and Rodney have just been stopped by a police officer during their attempt to beat the four minute warning to get to Grandad's allotment. The police officer has just walked off.]
Del: How are we doing for time Rodney?
Rodney: (looking at his watch) Erm, we died 45 seconds ago.
Christmas Special (1981)[ edit ]
Christmas Crackers [ edit ]
Grandad: I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.
Del: (to Rodney, in the Monte Carlo Club) I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
Del: Now here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna leave the club.
Rodney: Leave?
Del: Yeah. And you wait a couple of minutes right? And then you'll come back saying that there's a brand new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three wheeled van .
Series 2 (1982)[ edit ]
[Grandad is insulted by Rodney's lack of respect for the Trotter family honour]
Grandad: You've always been a bad 'un, Rodney.
Rodney: What, 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?
Grandad: I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!
Del: (after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman) One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.
Grandad: Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.
Del: Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!
Grandad: (to Sandra) Rodney's got a police record!
Del: (coughing) 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.
Rodney: What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?
Del: Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!
Grandad: Well I'd have to think twice!
[Del meeting Tommy Mackay.]
Del: Oh, but it was only a friendly drink.
Tommy Mackay: But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me really angry! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son!
Del: Now let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?
Tommy Mackay: Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you, annit?
Del: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah I'm... I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah!
Tommy: Good, okay, Leroy, give him some air!
Del: (to Tommy and Leroy after his camel coat lands in a puddle before the fight) Now look what you made do! That was a brand new coat!!
[Del and Rodney are sitting on a bench next to their mother's grave.]
Del: It's quiet here.
Del: What?
Mr. Chin: I like blue.
Del: Oh blue. Je suis frontiers. That is exactly what I thought. I thought why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.
Mr. Chin: What shade of blue?
Rodney: Yellow.
Del: And then I changed my mind. I thought not blue. I thought we should paint them gold.
Rodney: That's yellow.
Del: This is gold, Rodney. Are you illiterate or something? You see I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant. Gold for the Golden Lotus.
[A cat escapes from Mr. Chin's Golden Lotus restaurant.]
Del: Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?
Rodney: Was it his pet?
Del: No, but number 39 is off the menu.
Rodney: What have you been up to, Del?
Del: Oh, bits and pieces.
Rodney: Where have you been?
Del: Here and back.
Del: British Rail , same thing init?
Grandad: (Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?
Del: What?
Rodney: No, he said that!
Grandad: Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?
Trigger: Nah it's alright, this is luminous.
Del: See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... Luminous?!
Grandad: (on the telephone) Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?
[Del on the telephone to Mr. Chin; Mr. Chin's kitchen walls are luminous yellow.]
Mr. Chin: Don't you "Hello, Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!
Del: Glowing are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. (puts the receiver down)
Rodney: Does he want his money back?
Del: No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!
[The Trotters have just finished attending an auction.]
Del: Can you manage, Grandad?
Grandad: Yeah, I think so, Del.
Del: Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.
Grandad: Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.
Del: What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!
Rodney: They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."
Del: What do you want for £1.25, " Okla-bleeding-homa "?!
Rodney: Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.
Del: No, it means they're unique.
Grandad: It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.
Del: When a North Korean came to live in London, he thought that Battersea dog's home was a takeway.
Del: Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?
Grandad: Nah. Had one before we left Del.
Del: Grandad! How you getting on?
Grandad: All right Del Boy. I found it Del.
Del: There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.
Grandad: I'm starting to undo it.
Del & Rodney: (rushing under the chandelier whith the tarpaulin) Noooo!!!
Del: You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!
Rodney: Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!
Del: Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?
Rodney: Yeah, I wanna go home.
Del: All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.
Grandad: (unscrewing the bolt) It's coming, Del Boy. One more turn, Del.
Del: Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.
[Grandad hits the screw with a hammer and the other chandelier falls to the ground and smashes, while Del and Rodney both look on in horror]
Del: (calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.
Rodney: How can you tell?
[The chandelier has just fallen down and smashed. Grandad walks downstairs]
Grandad: Alright, Del Boy.
Del: Alright? Look at it!
Grandad: Did you drop it, Del?
Rodney: How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.
Grandad: Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?
Del: (smiling) Nah, not really. (angry) It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there though!
Christmas Specials (1982)[ edit ]
Del: (commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!
Heather: (after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?
Del: I've had many old dogs in my time!
Series 3 (1983)[ edit ]
Del: There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.
[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.]
Del: Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
Rodney: She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.
Del: Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?
[Dr. Becker has examined Grandad.]
Dr. Becker: Don't worry, he's got legs like Nijinsky .
Del: (puzzled) Nijinsky is a racehorse.
Rodney: No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
Dr. Becker: No I don't!
Grandad: (bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
Del: Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cos they'll be closed now!
Yesterday Never Comes [3.4][ edit ]
[Rodney is sceptical about Del's latest acquisition.]
Del: You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.
Rodney: Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
Rodney: Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.
Del: What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...
Rodney: See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.
Del: What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
Rodney: I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?
Rodney: Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
Trigger: You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?
DCI Roy Slater: I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now.
Del: chuckles Yeah... Uh, yeah.
DCI Roy Slater: What number King's Avenue does he live?
Del: I dunno, but you can't miss it. It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney.
DCI Roy Slater: Oh, that takes me back, Del. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to go over the pond and play at pirates. You were Dan Tempest . Trigger was Long John Silver ... What character did I play Del?"
Del: You played the bloke what walked the plank.
DCI Roy Slater: Oh, yeah. The bloke that walked the plank. I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard !
Del: Well you should have said so.
DCI Roy Slater: I did say so, but you would never let me!
Del: I did once.
DCI Roy Slater: Oh yeah, I remember, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!
[The Trotters are in seperate cells, the scene shifts to each of them one by one.]
DCI Roy Slater: Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?
Del: Oh, he was about average height.
Grandad: He was a great big tall fella!
Rodney: Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!
Grandad: Age?
Del: He was just a kid!
DCI Roy Slater: What about his ethnic group?
Del: Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.
DCI Roy Slater: No, I mean was he Caucasian?
Grandad: No, he was a white fella!
Rodney: He was African, I think!
DCI Roy Slater: Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?
Del: No, it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.
DCI Roy Slater:According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as Newgates Knocker . Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid .
Grandad: He was just a bloke in the market.
Del Boy: Leave it out Grandad. If Mr Slater was here to belive our descriptions he'd have his men out searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant.
DCI Roy Slater: With a Deaf aid
Rodney: I'm saying nothing till I phone my solicitor.
DCI Roy Slater: Go on then phone your solicitor
[He puts the phone out]
Rodney: I haven't got a solicitor.
DCI Roy Slater: Don't waste my bloody time then.
Del: No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.
DCI Roy Slater:I didn't hear that Del.
Del: I said [louder] I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID
Rodney: Del.
Karen (bar maid): It's got a great, big lump in the back.
Del: Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?
Denzil: He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.
Del: Yeah, he is white, ain't he?
Denzil: The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.
Rodney: I'm not ever so white!
Del: You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.
[Del, Rodney, and Grandad think that they have accidentally killed Corinne's canary.]
Del: We gotta think of a way out of this.
Rodney: I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.
Del: Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?
[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]
Del: I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
Rodney: £2000?
Mike: And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
Del: We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
Mike: (grinning) We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.
Grandad: Where do I get a canary from?
Rodney: Well why don't you try the boot menders (!)
Christmas Special (1983)[ edit ]
Reg: I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence!
Grandad: Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?
Del: Something serious, I hope!
Del: (talking about his father) Don't be fooled by him, Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever ! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it!
Del: It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit! I mean, some people get wise men bearing gifts ; we get a wally with a disease!
Rodney: Well I can't wait to fill out my next passport application form. Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter; father's name: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass .
Reg: If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her.
Rodney: You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.
Del: Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!
Del: (after finding out that his father faked an illness) They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta !!
Educational Special (1984)[ edit ]
Albert: Yeah. Do you know what they called me?
Rodney: Jonah?
Albert: No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.
Albert: (heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?
Del: No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!
Albert: Yeah but - I'm his brother!
Del: Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.
Albert: I understand, Del.
Del: No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.
[Rodney enters from the hall carrying the batteries.]
Rodney: Oi, where'd you want these then?
Del: Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.
[Rodney accuses Del of getting over Grandad's death so quickly.]
Del: Get over it?! What a plonker you really are, Rodney. Get over it - I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!
Rodney: (whispers) I'm sorry.
Albert: What's in the garage?
Rodney: The van.
Del: The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm waiting for a comeback on that!
Rodney: [gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!
Albert: What's he on about now!?
Del: Oh, I don't know!
Rodney: Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!
Del: Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!
Rodney: I've been thinking...
Del: Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.
Rodney: (after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head) There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.
Del: How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.
Del: The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.
Judge: I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?
Del: He keeps forgetting he can't walk.
[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]
Del: The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutá.
Del: (about Albert) He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin !
Marlene: I had a dog.
Rodney: Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.
Del: Come on, Duke. Come on. Cat! Cat! Meow meow cat!
Rodney: (about Albert) I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck.
Del: (about Duke) When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.
Rodney: Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie He turns round sharply IT'S BOYCIE!
Del: Boycie. WHere is he. Has he come back early or something?
Rodney: So where are you phoning from then Boyce? You're still over there/
[Dell sighs with relief]
[Marlene comes out with Duke]
Del: You never told me it was a Great Dane
Rodney: (upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs) I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!
Albert: That's supposed to be a sign of something.
Rodney: Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.
Denzil: You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.
Rodney: No!
Denzil: Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.
Albert: I can't swim, Del.
Del: You used to be a sailor.
Albert: Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.
Del: Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?
Christmas Special (1985)[ edit ]
To Hull and Back [ edit ]
[Del, Rodney, and Albert are sailing on a boat to Holland, and end up lost in the middle of the North Sea.]
Rodney: He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.
Del: Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.
Del: Can't you just find The Bear?
Albert: Well what does it look like?
Del: Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!
Del: Holland?!
Del: Which way to Holland?!
Gas Man: It's over there!
Del: Thank you John! (to Albert) Albert turn left, Holland is that way. (to Rodney) See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.
Del: We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.
Abdul: And that's how you got to Hull?
Del: No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!
Series 5 (1986)[ edit ]
[Anna walks in pregnant. Albert is told to say hello]
Albert: Good evening to you all.
[In response to Albert suggesting Anna may either have twins, triplets, or quadroplets.]
Del: He's right and all. She might be sitting in there with a belly full of people!
Del: (seeing Rodney "playing" with Duke) Oi, Rodney! Take your leg out of that dog's mouth, will you?
[Although Del promised Boycie a baby boy, he can only deliver a girl.]
Boycie: It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him has got something missing.
[Anna's baby girl turns out to be black, and Marlene wants to keep her.]
Marlene: We could say it's a throwback.
Boycie: I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?
Lennox Gilbey: You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?
Rodney: That weren't you, was it?
Lennox Gilbey: No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.
Del: (to Lennox) An hour ago, you were the man of mystery. Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.
[Rodney starts creeping up to the desk, looking like he's going to steal the gun from Lennox.]
Del: Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?
Albert: Come back and sit down, son!
Mr. Peterson (store manager): What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!
[Rodney goes to the desk and picks up the cigarettes instead of the gun and looks very pleased with himself.]
Del: You plonker!
[After Del lies to Lisa that he used to be a Royal Marine Commando, and had a bad landing from a faulty parachute.]
Lisa: I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.
Rodney: He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.
[Del proves to know little about hang-gliding.]
Andy: We've got some great thermals today.
Del: Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.
[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]
Del: This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.
Trigger: Still, it could have been worse.
Mike: How?
Trigger: My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
[After Del accidentally reveals that he was pretending to be paralyzed to make Rodney feel guilty.]
Del: Rodney, I was up there for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!
Rodney: Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.
Del: No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple!
Rodney: You're kidding!
Del: I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!
[Rodney has been asked to make a film, and Del is pitching a less-than-brilliant plot idea.]
Del: Right, okay, now this is a Jaws -type story.
Rodney: Jaws? Jaws has been done though.
Del: I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!
[Rodney begins to laugh, then realises Del is deadly serious, and stares at him incredulously.]
Rodney:: There's a Rhi... Loose in... As in rhinoceros??
Del: That's right. "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!
Albert: What's it about, Del?
Del: Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!
Rodney (still slightly stunned) A rhinoceros?
Del: Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.
Rodney: But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.
Del: Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.
Albert: And how's it escape?
Rodney: Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.
Del: Now don't you start getting saucy with me, Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.
Rodney: I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?
Del: Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!
Rodney: And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a rhino, Del!
Del: He only comes out at night!
Albert: What is it, a vampire rhino?
Del: No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?
Albert: And where does he live during the day?
Del: Er... in a lock-up garage in a back street!
Rodney: What, he's leasing it, is he?
Del: No, he is not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! But... the detective does find it, only it's at night!
Albert: And the rhino's gone out?
Del: That's right, see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunnit!
Rodney: An whodunnit? What do you mean an whodunnit?! We know who done it! The rhino done it!
Del: Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors, do they?
Rodney: Oh, this is something else! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo, there are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints, there's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep in rhinoceros crap, and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!
Del: ...Well, I do admit there are one or two teething snags. But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!
Rodney: Disaster? It's a calamity Del!
Albert: Why is he killing people?
Del: Well, what do you want him to be, a social worker!? Well, he's a man-eater, ain't he?
Rodney: No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous. They're vegetarians!
Del: Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop!
Rodney: And he won't head for the city neither.
Albert: But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people!
Del: Yeah that's right!
Rodney: No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
Del: Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film "There's A Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives!"??
Jumbo Mills: You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!
Albert: Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!
Jumbo Mills: A typical Brit! The only thing that works is his mouth.
Del: Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?
Jumbo Mills: They'll love you over there. They've got no class!
Del: Australia! Where the men are men.
Albert: So are the women...
Del: What's that supposed to mean?
Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.
[Rodney can't go to Australia because of his drug conviction, yet Del is still keen to go without him, much to Rodney's chagrin.]
Del: Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!
Rodney: Sacrifices? For me?
Del: Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...
Rodney: Don't start again.
Del: When she died, who stood by you?
Rodney: Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"
Del: And I did, didn't I?
Christmas Specials (1986-1988)[ edit ]
Man at the market: ...They can't be top quality, they're too cheap!
Del: "Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?
Man at the market: Here, I'm not a wally!
Del: No? What are you doing then, an impression?
[Shortly after, originating from the background as the scene focuses on Rodney and Victoria]
Annoying man at the market: ...yeah but do you get a guarantee?
Del: You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantee you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...
Lady Victoria: (to Rodney) "So what's your name?
Rodney: It's Rodney.
Trigger: (shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?
Rodney: No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.
Rodney: People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.
Del: [about to take part in the clay pigeon shoot] When you're ready, John!
Clay Pigeon Man: Do you mean 'pull'?
Del: Oh, sorry, Paul! In your own time, my son.
[Del has entered a clay pigeon shoot with a sawn off shotgun at Lady Victoria's house.]
Rodney: Oi! Where'd you get that gun?
Del: Iggy Higgins.
Trigger: Is that Dave?
Del: Yeah.
[It is indeed Rodney leading the funeral prosession in full Chief Mourner's gear he looks up and sees Del.]
Rodney: You git. You rotten git! You never told me my new job was a chief mourner!!!
Del: Rodney, please show some respect.
Rodney: Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!
Del: Mr Jahan did.
Uncle Albert: Grieving relatives did.
Del: The Flying Eye did.
Rodney: How can you be sure it ain't been found!? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold!
Del: (talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time!
Albert: What if the police found it?
Del: I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers!
Rodney: (incredulous) You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers!?
Albert: Why, what are they like?
Rodney: Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies ; Biggs and Kray ! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions!?
Del: No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!
Albert: If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?
Del: So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!
[When the Trotters now find it impossible to retrieve Freddie the Frog's treasure.]
Rodney: Do I look like him?
Albert: It was just a rumour, son.
Rodney: Do I look like him?
Albert: A bit.
Del: There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.
Rodney: Freddie the Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator... What a plonker.
[Mike and Boycie talk about Albert's terrible singing.]
Mike: Why does he keep doing it, eh?
Boycie: God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.
Mike: Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!
Series 6 (1989)[ edit ]
Del: Yeah, nothing but the best.
Uncle Albert: How does it know when you're on holiday?
Del: You send it a postcard, don't you?
Uncle Albert: I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?
Del: Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!
Rodney: Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?
Del: Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
[Del has just taken delivery of several boxes of blow up dolls, thinking they were children's dolls.]
Rodney: Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy . These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
Del: You can't have dolls with names like that.
Rodney: You can if you go to the right shops!
[The Trotters discover the blow up dolls.]
Del: Bloody hell! What have we got ourselves into here?
Rodney: Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!
Del: That's because I've got a high profile!
Rodney: Yeah! High profile and low forehead!
[Albert doesn't quite understand the concept of the blow up dolls.]
Uncle Albert: They're big for little dolls, ain't they?
Rodney: Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.
Uncle Albert: (starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times ?
Rodney: Albert, have a day off, will you! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.
Uncle Albert: You're pulling my leg!
Rodney: Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)
Del: No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War III ! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!
Rodney: Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?
Del: No I haven't actually read them why?
Rodney: Well why don't you do that small thing Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting. Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why you're machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe
Del: But we are in Europe. We're in the common market aren't we?
Rodney: Yes I know that but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why you're machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."
Mike: What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!
Boycie: It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
Trigger: How is he?
Boycie: A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.
Mike: 70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?
Boycie: If they did, they were going around the bend in Düsseldorf !
Mike: How'd you mean?
Boycie: I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system, would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral !
Rodney: Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?
Albert: It's cause I can't get any food in that freezer it's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.
Chain Gang [6.3][ edit ]
Del: Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.
Cassandra: That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.
Arnie: Doctors gave me six months to live.
Trigger: Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.
Rodney: (upon seeing the chains) What'd you do, rob Mr. T ?
Del: (to Boycie when Arnie has his "heart attack" in the restaurant) It's Arnie, he's having a Connery!
[When Arnie collapses from his "heart attack".]
Boycie: Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. (checks Arnie's pulse) Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. (searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)
Old Woman: He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.
[A large Greek man steps forward and grabs Boycie by the lapels.]
Boycie: Oi!
The Unlucky Winner Is... [6.4][ edit ]
[Albert is forced to help Del out with carrying boxes of hooky gear since Rodney is at the Nag's Head with Cassandra.]
Albert: Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.
Del: (under his breath, mocking Albert) They've got no respect these days.
Albert: They've got no respect these days.
Del: (under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in the war, didn't you?
Albert: I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom?
Del: (under his breath, mocking Albert) Anything they bloody like!
Albert: Anything they bloody like!
[Del, Rodney, and Cassandra have arrived in Spain.]
Del: Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.
Cassandra: Well he did win, didn't he?
[Rodney is staring, distracted, at all the other winners]
Del: Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...
Cassandra: So what's the problem?
Rodney: That's strange, you know.
Cassandra: What?
Rodney: Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.
Cassandra: What's strange about that?
Rodney: Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
Del: No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.
Cassandra: What do you mean?
Del: Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.
Rodney: (stunned) Say again?
[Del and Alan are discussing Rodney and Cassandra's upcoming wedding.]
Alan: You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...
Del: Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.
[Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very elaborate, exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a floral tribute).]
Mike: Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?
Boycie: Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes
Del: Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richards
Mike: What, he looks er younger than his years?
Del: No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap
Del Boy: [to Mickey and Jevon, after learning the Driscoll brothers are after him thanks to them] If I end up propping up a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two will be at the next junction!
[The Driscoll Brothers arrive at the Nag's Head.]
Danny: Boycie, how nice!
[Del, Rodney, Uncle Albert, Cassandra, her parents and her boss, Stephen, are playing Trivial Pursuit.]
Stephen: What is a female swan called?
[Albert hints that it's a three-letter word; Rodney rattles a Biro in his mouth.]
Del: Got it. It's a bic.
Jevon: You've got to give it to Del Boy, he did all the catering by himself.
Mickey Pearce: Leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
Trigger: No, I made them for him. (Rodney reacts)
Sid: (annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches) I run a cafe, so why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?
Del: The explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.
Alan: (when Harry, the coach driver, suddenly becomes drunk) It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
Boycie: Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!
[Mike and Trigger help Harry onto the coach.]
Trigger: What d'you think's wrong with him?
Mike: What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
Trigger: Yeah? I thought he was pissed.
[The Jolly Boys' coach has blown up due to Del's faulty radio. Rodney is watching the explosion from inside a telephone booth.]
Rodney: Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!
[The Jolly Boys find out that the last bus has left and the trains are on strike.]
Uncle Albert: I remember once just after the war.
Rodney: Oh don't start, Unc!
Mickey: We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!
Del: Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!
Uncle Albert: I fought for free speech!
Del: (to Albert, venomously) Shut up!
Del: (to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss on the nose) Alright bruv, sort it all out?
[After a row with Cassandra, Rodney storms back into Del's flat, interrupting a romantic meal Del and Raquel are having.]
Rodney: That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!
Raquel: Good evening, Rodney.
Rodney: I have never been so insulted in my life!
Del: Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!
[When Rodney storms back to Nelson Mandela House after having an argument with Cassandra.]
Raquel: Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.
Del: Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.
Del: (in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom) You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a lady, and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ready to, she will let me know.
Rodney: How?
Del: I don't know?
Rodney: Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the Sunday Sport, eh?
Rodney: Me wife doesn't love me, me mum's left me, and some bastard's nicked me bike.
[Rodney and Del's arguing in the hallway has woken up a neighbour, who politely reminds them of the time.]
Neighbour: Erm, it's gone midnight!
Del: (waving his fist in a threatening manner) Well go back to bed then.
[A frustrated Rodney is furious with Del for telling Cassandra about his originally planned movie date as the two stand outside in the street in the dark.]
Del: Look, is there anything I can do to help?
Rodney: Yes, piss off!
[Rodney and Del are rowing outside Rodney's flat]
Rodney: Well thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre, and you've offended my neighbours!
Woman: People are trying to sleep!
Rodney: Shut up!
The Chance of a Lunchtime [7.2][ edit ]
Raquel: The tour doesn't start for another three months.
Del: Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?
Raquel: Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!
[Del standing by Rodney and Albert pointing to Raquel]
Del: How many people can you see standing there?
[Albert and Rodney look at each other]
Uncle Albert: Well... one.
Del: I can see - two.
[Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace]
Rodney: You know what that means, Albert?
Uncle Albert: No.
Boycie: You've been standing in the dark for an hour?
Trigger: Yeah I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.
Mike: But there was no-one else in there.
Trigger: But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave?
Rodney: As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in in this room - together. No-one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no-one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that?
[The four look at each other.]
Trigger: What?
Mike: What name have they decided on?
Trigger: If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after an actress , and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.
Del: Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger: They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
Mike: So what happened Trig?
Trigger: He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
Albert: What, he was gonna drive off it?
Trigger: Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
Del: But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
Rodney: No! Who held the whip-round?
Del: All the passengers on his bus.
Rodney: No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. they're bound to call it Damien.
Albert: (as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".
Rodney: Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.
[Raquel is in labour, in the hospital delivery room. There is a knock at the door]
Del: Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!
Raquel: Shut up, Del.
Del: Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]
Albert: The specialists are on their way, Del.
Del: Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.
[A female nurse enters the room, followed by a male nurse]
Del: Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.
Midwife: I know. That's why I'm here.
Del: What are you, a pervo, or something?!
Nurse: This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.
Del: But he's a bloke!
Midwife: I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.
[Del bars the door]
Raquel: [panting] Just let him do his job, Del.
Del: No, he's a bloke!
Raquel: I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!
[After Del has said he can see the baby's head]
Rodney: Is it... normal?
Del: What do you mean, normal?
Rodney: No... numbers or anything?
Del: What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?
Del: It's a baby, Raquel.
Raquel: I've been wondering what that swelling was.
Del: (to his newborn son, Damien) I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
Christmas Specials (1991-2003)[ edit ]
[The Trotter Brothers and Boycie's family are escaping the Mafia in the Florida Everglades.]
Boycie: Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...
Marlene: (cuts in) Shut up moaning.
Boycie: And then they (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!
Marlene: You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!
Boycie: Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!
Albert: You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.
Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?
Albert: When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!
Rodney: You must have made more bloody noise than me then!
Denzil: That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein !
Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager has got to do with it anyway.
Denzil: This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!
Del: No, honest, its not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise !
Trigger: When we were at school Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.
Denzil: Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.
[Del, Trigger, and Denzil arrive at the council waste disposal depot, only to find it closed.]
Del: It's closed!
Trigger: (checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.
Del: What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!
Rodney: We are not dealing with a normal person; this is Derek Trotter! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!
Myles: First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
Del: Well, it's this - earthy sort.
Rodney: Well Trigger could be considered an expert.
Mike: Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.
Sid: What'll it be Trig?
Trigger: Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.
Rodney: (when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends rather than spending time with Raquel and Damien) Just who are your mates, Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.
Del: Why do women always want to know what time you got in? They say to you "What time did you get in last night?" and you go about "Quarter past twelve." and they go "No it weren't, it was twenty to two." You think well why bloody ask?
Mike: Exactly. I came home one night and my missus says "Where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.
[A beat.]
Mike, Boycie, Del, & Denzil: Why ask?
Trigger: Why ask?
Del: (confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!
Beverly: (to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?
[Trigger approaches the desk as she says this.]
Trigger: Oh just a couple of fillings.
Heroes and Villains [ edit ]
Albert: (when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom) Little git! (walks into the living room) I fought for this country shot and shell on how they treat you, ain't bloody fair, eh.
Trigger: And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
Trigger: There’s the picture. What more proof do you need?
[Dressed as Batman and Robin, Del and Rodney find out the fancy dress party is cancelled]
Rodney: We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na, and everything!
Rodney: (dressed as Robin ) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
Trigger: Me either.
Del: Alright, sorry.
Albert: Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany ...[Del glowers at him]
[Rodney and Del are stuck in the lift, and Del is "claustrophobic" and acting all immature.]
Rodney: I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.
Del: Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!
Rodney: I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?
Del: I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!
Rodney: Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?
Del: No, but I bet it was depressing!
Rodney: I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
Del: See, I was right!
Rodney: No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
Del: Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.
Rodney: Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons . (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
Del: Is Cassandra hurting?
Rodney: I know! I know. But if I don't say it...
Del: If you don't say what?
Rodney: We lost our baby!
Del: But you did - and now you've said it.
Rodney: Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?
Del: In a way. And what about Cassandra?
Rodney: Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.
Del: Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.
[Del and Rodney both laugh.]
Rodney: Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.
Del: No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.
Rodney: Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.
Del: Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.
Rodney: What do I say to her?
Del: Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.
Rodney: Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.
Del: Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.
Rodney: Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
Del: Yeah well, got over the worst of it.
Rodney: (stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
Del: Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.
Rodney: (angry) You git! You stopped it!
Del: (smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.
Rodney: You git!
[Del and Rodney both start laughing.]
Rodney: (laughing) You! You git!
[The two then hug.]
Del: (taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?
Albert: That jar over there.
Del: This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.
Albert: Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?
Del: I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?
Albert: Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
Del: I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?
Audrey: Wonderful.
Del: (uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!
Cassandra: (offer Del the "gravy") Del?
Del: No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.
Cassandra: Albert?
Albert: Er, not for me dear.
Del: Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!
[Del and Rodney managed to auction off the John Harrison "lesser watch".]
Del: How much exactly did it go for?
Rodney: Six point two million. Just over three million each.
Del: Well we've had worse days, ain't we?
[Del, Rodney, and Albert walk off into an animated sunset]
Del: Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!
Del: What, the same as we do?
Rodney: Yes.
Del: Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?
[When Del and Rodney discovered that St. Claire a la Chappelle is full of Uncle Albert lookalikes.]
Rodney: Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village of the Damned !
Del: I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!
[Del, Rodney, Denzil, and Trigger discover that they've accidentally brought an illegal immigrant back with them from France.]
Del: We're just gonna have to let him go then.
Rodney: We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?
Denzil: Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda !
Rodney: Don't be stupid, Denzil.
Del: Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?
Boycie: Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat!? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean .
Gary: Gary!
Sid: This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
Rodney: Why?
Del: Well Boycie, I hope you won't take offence and what I'm about to say, but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden.
Boycie: How dare you! Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much I've spent on that garden! You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?
Trigger: (talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks) Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?
Raquel: OK.
Trigger: Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll understand.
[Raquel looks completely bemused.]
Cassandra: Why do they do that?
Raquel: It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!
[Rodney shows Cassandra the picture of the 1960 Jolly Boys Outing.]
Cassandra: There's you. (realisation hits her)
Rodney: Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.
Cassandra: Who is it?
Rodney: My real father, Cass. My biological old man.
Raquel: Who is he?
Del: His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. One day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.
Cassandra: And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?
Rodney: He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.
Cassandra: So, how are you similar?
Rodney: We're about the same height.
Raquel: And you've known all these years?
Del: No. At least, not when Rodney was a baby. When you get to 20, and your 6-year-old brother is taller than you, it makes you think. I never knew really who he was. As a youngster, I was told to call him "Uncle Fred". Then a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do... It was a wet corset contest. Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mum. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house, except for a couple of close-ups.
Raquel: I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.
Del: No. He only used to take money and things that he could sell. Then Uncle Albert told me. It was my Aunt Renee who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and Aunt Renee knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities, so she burnt them.
Del: (when Rodney asks if he's anything like his father, Freddie the Frog) Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a womaniser, a home-breaker, a con-man, a thief, a liar, and a cheat... So no Rodney, you're nothing like him.
[Last lines of the series]
Del: Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
Rodney: Fire away.